


We're Burning, Yet So Alive

by UchiHime



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Langst, M/M, Sleepwalking, Suicidal Thoughts, Trans Lance (Voltron), Trans Male Character, Trans Male Pregnancy, de-anoned, sex somnia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-06
Updated: 2019-06-06
Packaged: 2020-04-11 15:04:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19112134
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UchiHime/pseuds/UchiHime
Summary: Lance suffocates without realizing it a lot in space.





	We're Burning, Yet So Alive

**Author's Note:**

> There's no explicit or graphic content in this fic.
> 
> Original summary was "life don't stop the more we pray."

###  We’re Burning, Yet So Alive

The air on planet Arus was oxygenated enough for the humans to breathe without support, but only barely. Lance had to significantly cut down on how long he could wear his binder while they were there. Thankfully, his paladin armor worked well for concealing the feminine swells of his chest.

Lance had worn his binder on an airplane once and ended up taking it off in the bathroom because it became so hard to breathe. He hadn’t known that the thinner air of the higher altitude would make his ribcage expand and thus cause his usually comfortably fitting binder to feel crushing. He knew better now, but it was almost enough to make him second guess his dream of being a pilot. He’d comforted himself with the knowledge that once he earned his wings, he’d be able to get top surgery and wouldn’t need a binder anymore. It would be worth it in the long run.

When the giant robot cat flew them into space, Lance had only a brief second to wonder if it was safe to be wearing his binder at the moment, but then they were fighting alien ships and flying through wormholes and landing on foreign planets in far away galaxies and he didn’t have time to worry about it. It wasn’t until he took his binder off that night and took a deep breath did he realize how hard it’d been to breathe.

Lance suffocates without realizing it a lot in space.

-

Before they leave Arus, Pidge announces that she’s a girl. Which, apparently, everyone but Lance had already known. But the truth is, Lance had known. He’d just assumed that Pidge was like himself, a transman. He hadn’t wanted to out her, so he’d kept his mouth closed. But Pidge hadn’t announced that she was trans, but that she was a girl and that was that.

Lance was conflicted. Here he was, a transguy concealing his sex for the sake of being himself and living his best life. And here’s Pidge, cis-female and fine with it, lying about her gender for that sake of… well, Lance could understand her reasoning. He would not hold it against her. But if anyone expected him to make a similar announcement, they had another think coming. Lance was a boy, fuck anyone who said otherwise. If he decided to come out as trans, that would be his choice, but he would never ever say he’s a girl.

-

Lance does eventually come out as trans simply because there’s no testosterone in space.

Going off T is a  _ blast _ , heavy sarcasm. First there was the abrupt lost of energy that the team interrupted as simple sloth. Then there was the pimples that even Lance’s multi-step skin care routine could not keep up with. The intense physical requirements of being a paladin did help with the loss of muscle mass a bit, but when his body fat decided to redistribute back to his hips and face, Lace did not want to leave his room for a week. 

The real clencher, and the ultimate reason he’d had to come out, was the return of his periods.

Lance had not had a period in over a year. Even without having to awkwardly ask Allura and Pidge how one goes about acquiring space pads (because he hated tampons thanks) and thus forcing him out, his period returning just made him feel like shit.

The team had taken it well. He’d expected them to. They hadn’t treated Pidge any differently after her big reveal. No, the biggest conflict was Lance versus himself. He’d felt thirteen years old all over again, crying in his room because he hated everything about his body.

On the plus side, his hair stopped falling out. In case you didn’t know, T makes your hair fall out and Lance’s vain ass was not here for that. Also, the voice drop and adam’s apple were permanent so that’s great. (A certain growth downstairs was also permanent, and Lance was well endowed for a transguy so that’s wonderful.)

But most of the changes being on testosterone had made to his body faded away when estrogen was once more his dominant sex hormone. It felt like he was losing more of his identity by the day.

-

It was a few weeks after his coming out that Shiro had visited him the first time.

-

Shiro is gay. 

That was the worst kept secret in the Garrison. He wasn’t really out, because the face of the space exploration program couldn’t be anything less than the epitome of manliness, but he never lied about himself either. He and Adam were #RelationshipGoals, but they’d also been threatened with court martialing if they were to go public about it. Everyone knew it was just an idle threat, though. No one was going to kick Takashi Shirogane out of the Garrison. The only reason his sexuality wasn’t plastered all over the internet and television was because Shiro was a relatively private person.

Lance had looked up to him.

As a transguy, Lance had always felt that he had to do whatever it took to meet societal expectations of what it means to be a man. That meant chasing girls like a brainless horndog and locking away the part of himself that liked guys just as much. He could live with hiding his sexuality if it meant no one questioned his gender.

But Shiro was without a doubt a Man. And he was gay. No one questioned his masculinity or gave him shit about it. Shiro held his head up high, loved with confidence, and was unrepentantly himself. 

Lance admired that. 

And maybe he was just a little bit in love with him.

The first time Shiro had climbed into his bed in the middle of the night, Lance had been at a low. His body was betraying him. Even fully decked out in his paladin armor, he could barely pass anymore. He hated what he saw in the mirror.

If it had been anyone other than Shiro, Lance would not have let them touch him. But Shiro was gay. He was exclusively attracted to men, so if Shiro was in Lance’s bed, that meant Shiro saw him as a man. Right?

That thought had rang loud enough to drown out all the rest of his misgivings.

Knowing that Shiro saw him as a man had made Lance’s dysphoria like ten times better and it made him ignore a lot of things about the situation. 

Things like the fact that Shiro had never shown any interest in him prior to that moment. And that Shiro was touching him in ways that Lance didn’t generally like to be touched. And that even though Shiro was looking right at him, Lance was entirely sure he was seeing him.

That little boost to his self image had even helped him cope with the way Shiro had left his bed as silently as he’d entered it as soon as he was done. And with how the next day, Shiro acted as though nothing had even happened.

-

Despite his love of flirting, Lance had never done anything with anyone that required him to be less than fully dressed. There was this disassociation between his body and himself. Allowing another person to touch him felt like inviting a stranger into their relationship. His body was not who he was. Lance just couldn’t stomach it. 

But Shiro is different.

-

Shiro is different, right?

-

Shiro is different, why?

-

Lance loves Shiro, that’s why it’s different when he touches him.

-

He loves him. He loves him. He loves him.

-

Shiro visits him not quite regularly, but enough. Sporadically is probably the best word.

A single night a week. Not at all for a couple weeks. Every night another week. Once a month. On alternating weekends. Always in the middle of the night. Always silently with no warning. Always gone before morning. Always acting as if it never happened.

Lance starts to feel like a dirty little secret.

He starts to question this. 

Maybe Shiro doesn’t see him as a man?

Maybe Shiro only comes to him because he’s the only option?

Maybe the reason he doesn’t acknowledge him during the day is because he’s ashamed of what he’d done the night before?

But Lance doesn’t tell him ‘no’.

No matter how dirty or used he starts to feel, he can’t tell Shiro ‘no.’

He’s not entirely sure Shiro would even listen if he did.

-

He’s right. Shiro doesn’t listen when he says it.

-

Shiro touches him in a place Lance had no desire to ever be touched. 

Lance tells him stop. 

Shiro does not listen.

-

No amount of showers can wash away the memory of Shiro’s touch.

-

Morning is as it always been. 

Shiro’s a different person in the light of day.

-

Shiro comes back the next night and stares Lance in the eyes as he cries beneath.

-

He’s there the next night, too.

-

And the next.

-

Lance starts locking his door at night.

-

He didn’t know it was possible to hate his body more than he already does, yet here he is finding new lows to fall to.

-

Things only get worse.

-

“What are you doing, Lance, get out here?” 

Keith sounds annoyed and Lance can understand why. The castle is surrounded by Galra ships and paladins had been deployed to fight them off, but they’re down a lion because “Blue won’t let me in.”

Lance presses a hand against the force field surrounding his lion. It’s not budging. He can still feel his connection to Blue as clear as day, but she’s clearly telling him that he cannot fly her. 

“We need to form Voltron,” Pidge says. “If you don’t stop playing around…”

“I’m not playing!” Lance yells. “Blue put up her shield and won’t let me pass. She says I’m not allowed to fight.”

“There’s no precedence for a lion rejecting their paladin,” Coran mumbles.

“She’s not rejecting me! I think she’s…” Lance trails off as understanding dawns. Blue is trying to protect him. Well, not  _ him _ precisely.

“Lance?” Shiro asks.

“She’s not going to let me in,” Lance says solemnly, “but she says she’ll let Allura fly her.”

“What the hell,” Hunk exclaims. “Lions don’t just pick new paladins on a whim! Do they?”

“It’s not a whim. Blue has her reasons. I’ll explain later, but right now, focus on the fight. Allura, they need you out there.”

“Coran, take the helm. Lance, I’ll be down in a tic.”

-

They’d won. Of course they did. Even with it being Allura’s first time piloting a lion and the team’s first time working with her in the field.

They’d won.

Without Lance.

“Anyone going to talk about how Blue just randomly dumped her paladin for a new one?” Hunk asks after team had returned to the castle.

“Blue didn’t dump me!” Lance grumbles defensively. “I’m still her paladin.”

“Are you sure?” Pidge asks, “because it looks like Allura is her paladin. I didn’t think there could be more than one.”

“While this is unprecedented,” Allura says in that princessy diplomatic tone of hers, “Lance is right. His bond with the Blue Lion is as strong as it’s always been. Blue made it very clear that I am just a temporary stand in.”

“But why is a stand in necessary?” Of course Shiro is the one to ask that question.

Allura frowns. “I’m not sure of that myself. Blue just says Lance is unsuited to fulfill his duties at the present time. Lance, do you know why?”

Now they’re all staring at him and Lance feels so small. He wishes he could disappear. He wishes he could just laugh this off, pretend it’s nothing, and let things go back to normal. But no one is going to let this slide. A paladin locked out of their lion cannot be waived off with a witty one-liner.

“Blue was just concerned for my health,” Lance stalls.

“Your health? Are you sick? Are you dying? Is it Space Plague? Is is cancer? Is it Space Cancer!” Hunk gets increasingly more worked up with each question until he looks as though he’s going to have a panic attack.

“Hunk, calm down, I’m not dying.”

“Then why would Blue lock you out for your health?” Pidge demands to know.

Lance sighs. Stares at his feet. Wishes there was a way he could get out of saying, “I’m pregnant.” 

There’s nothing but silence for a tic, then Pidge laughs. “Very funny, Lance.”

Hunk laughs as well. “You almost had me going for a second, bud, but now’s not the time for jokes. This is serious.”

Of course no one believes him. “I’m serious. I’m pregnant. Blue locked me out because fighting isn’t safe for the baby.”

“Guys,” Keith says, tone usure, “I don’t think he’s joking.”

Another tic of silence is followed by an explosion of voices. Pidge, Hunk, Allura, and Coran all yelling over each other, asking questions, demanding explanations, wanting answers. All the while, Lance stares at his feet and wishes to disappear.

“Enough!” Shiro yells, silencing everyone immediately. “Lance,” Shiro says evenly once he was sure everyone had calmed down, “I’m sure you can understand our  _ shock _ at this situation…”

“Are you having Space Jesus?” Hunk interrupts. 

It’s such a ridiculous question that it startles a laugh out of Lance. “No, I am not having Space Jesus, Hunk.”

“Well, if it’s not Space Jesus, that means you and someone…” Pidge trails off and shoots an accusatory look towards Keith.

“What, why are you looking at me!” Keith yells.

“Well, I was never too convinced about that rivalry,” Pidge states.

“And you do love to mention you guys’ ‘bonding moment,’” Hunk adds.

“First of all, Lance cooked up the rivalry thing on his own.” Keith says. “And what about you, Hunk? Lance declares his undying love for you like three times a day.”

“Hey, Lance and I are  _ platonic _ life partners. As much as I love him, I don’t want to… ew, I get the heebies just thinking about it. No offense, buddy.”

“Honestly,” Pidge muses, “knowing Lance it could be any human compatible species in the entire universe. He’s never shown much care for who or what he flirts with.”

“You know, you could just ask him. He’s right there,” Keith says.

During the entire conversation, Lance had not taken his eyes off Shiro and Shiro had not shown anything on his face other than the expected concern towards the situation as whole. Not a single line in the discussion had brought a reaction out of him.

Lance feels smaller by the second. Did he honestly mean so little to Shiro, was their relationship such a shameful secret that Shiro wouldn’t own up to this.

He’d thought Shiro was a better man than that.

“Well,” Pidge demands, “are you going to tell us, Lance?”

“What?” Lance asks, startled out of his quickly spiralling thoughts.

“Who’s your baby daddy? Don’t leave us hanging here.”

Lance waits a tic, sure Shiro’s going to speak up, but Shiro says nothing. Lance does not look at him. Of course Shiro wouldn’t own up to it. That would mean admitting what he’d done. Admitting that he’d…

Why did Lance keep pretending Shiro was a good person? Why did he keep lying to himself?

He throws on a goofy smile and says, “I lied. It is Space Jesus.” He turns and heads out the room, ignoring the fallout behind him.

-

Lance doesn’t leave his room for the rest of the day, ignoring all the knocks that came. He makes double sure the door is locked before he crawls into bed that night. He lies awake, staring at the ceiling, until he hears the expected sounds of someone trying to enter the room in the middle of the night. Remains awake hours later, long after Shiro is gone.

-

Pregnancy is not something Lance had ever considered for himself. 

Sure, he’d wanted lots of kids. He’d come from a large family and could only imagine himself with an equally large family, but he’d always assumed he’d adopt or use a surrogate or that his partner would carry the child if he married someone with a uterus.

He’d never wanted to be pregnant himself. When half his natural bodily functions felt like a betrayal, there was no way he could put himself through the hormonal mess pregnancy tends to be. He knew some transmen were okay with it, but Lance was not one of them.

And yet, here he is.

What the quiznak is he supposed to do now?

-

“Lance, what are you doing here?” Allura asks as soon as she steps into the training room.

“Training, obviously,” Lance says, pulling the trigger on his rifle to take out another bot, then two more in quick succession.

“Simulation stop!” Allura calls as Lance swivels to take out the bot that had been attempting to approach him from behind. 

Lance glares at her as he lowers his bayard, allowing it to shift back to its regular form. “Did you need something?” He asks, not bothering to conceal his annoyance.

“Actually, yes,” Allura says somewhat hesitantly. “Coran would like to see you in the medbay.”

“I don’t want to go to the medbay. I want to train.”

“I do not believe training is the wisest move for you right now, given your condition.”

“My condition? I’m pregnant, not invalid.” Lance states, crossing his arms.

“If even your lion doesn’t think you should be fighting, do you really believe it’s a good idea for you to be down here  _ fighting _ ?”

“Last I checked, your robot cat was not the boss of me. I can make decisions for myself.”

“Well, maybe if you made better decisions we wouldn’t be having this conversation!”

Lance takes a step back, feeling as though he’d been slapped. “Excuse me?”

Allura continues as though a dam had broken and the words could no longer be held back, “Honestly, Lance, did you even think about how this would affect the rest of us! We’re trying to win a war and you’re out here sleeping around. What if the Blue Lion decided not to accept another paladin. Where would we be then? How could you be so incredibly selfish? The fate of the universe rests on our shoulders and yet you’re thinking only of yourself.”

Lance blanches. His bayard slips from his loose fingers. As it clatters to the floor he remembers it’s not his bayard anymore. It’s Allura’s. Allura pilots Blue now. Why’d she even give it back to him?

“No, I didn’t think about anyone else,” Lance says, voice completely flat. Dead. “You’re right. Lance is a selfish whore who thinks with his dick first and his brain never. I just thought it would be fun to sentence myself to nine months of dysphoric hell, because I don’t already hate myself enough. As if my body wasn’t reminding me enough that it’s not the right sex, let me go do the most feminine thing I can think of. Honestly, do you really think I  _ wanted  _ this?”

“If you really didn’t want it,” Allura says coldly, “you would have been smarter about it.”

Lance felt the last shard of  _ something _ in him break. “Well, I’m not known for my smarts now am I?” And once again, he walks away from a situation that just made him feel hopeless.

-

Allura just didn’t understand. 

Alteans were a shapeshifting race. When Lance had asked if, in all their advanced technology, they’d developed a way to help trans people transition or handle their dysphoria, he’d been told that an Altean who felt out of tune with their body simply changed their body into a form that suited them better.

Altea’s idea of birth control was simply shifting away the parts that were needed for pregnancy.

Allura can’t possibly understand what it’s like for Lance who can’t just change his body with a thought, but that doesn’t take away the sting of her words.

-

Lance lies awake all night. There’s no sound outside his door.

-

Morning sickness starts and Lance thinks dying would be less miserable.

-

“How long are you going to keep moping around?” Pidge asks over dinner.

Lance pokes half heartedly at his food goo. “How long are you guys going to keep sticking your nose in my business?”

“You do realize that what goes on on this ship affects everyone, right? When there’s just seven people in an enclosed space, there’s no such thing as personal business.”

“Seven people on this ship and I’m the only one being given shit?”

“You’re are the only one who’s done something worth getting shit over. I’m sure we can find a Space Maury show to get you on.”

Lance sighs and puts down his fork. “Right. I forgot. I’m the castle’s fuck up.” He stands. “Well, this fuck up is not hungry. I’m going to bed. Good night.”

-

Shiro doesn’t try to visit that night either.

-

Lance is standing in front of the mirror, wondering if he’s only imagining the slight swelling he thinks he sees in his stomach, when the ship’s alarms go off.

He quickly puts on his armor and rushes to the deck, only to freeze when he sees Allura in her armor. He’s not Blue Paladin anymore. He’d forgotten. Why does he keep forgetting? He’s not needed here.

“Lance, take charge of the castle defenses,” Coran orders. “It shouldn’t be needed, we’re just investigating a distress signal from a small moon up ahead. The rest are going to take their lions down for a closer look, you and I are back up.”

With a nod, Lance does as he’s told.

-

It’s not a trap, but the Galra had received the distress signal as well and were lying in wait, knowing Voltron wouldn’t pass up anyone in need.

Allura flies Blue like she was born for it. 

The team moves like a well oiled machine. 

It’s obvious they really don’t need Lance.

-

Lance sleeps for a solid twelve hours. World class depression nap.

He wakes to the feel of hands on him. 

He can’t believe he’d forgotten to lock his door.

-

Lance had never considered Shiro to be intimidatingly large until he’d found himself pinned beneath him. 

His struggles before had been useless, just as they are useless now.

He does not want to go through this again.

-

Shiro hits his head on the nightstand when Lance finally manages to shove him off. 

There’s so much blood.

The sound of the crash brings Keith running to his room.

Lance is frozen. 

Keith is yelling.

Someone is screaming.

There’s more people in the room now.

Lance isn’t sure if Shiro’s breathing.

-

They get Shiro into a healing pod.

Hunk wraps a blanket around Lance’s shoulders.

No one speaks until morning.

-

“I don’t know,” Shiro says for the seventh time, face buried in his hands.

“Lance had to physically throw you off of him and you don’t know how you got there in the first place.” Hunk’s voice drips with hostility. He stands between Shiro and Lance, large and imposing. A shield to protect Lance’s honor.

“I don’t remember,” Shiro says for the twelfth time. His voice comes out weak. His eyes are red from crying.

“You didn’t hit your head that hard.” Hunk takes a step towards Shiro, fist clenched, fury written all over his face.

Keith steps between them. “I believe him.”

“Of course you do,” Hunk scoffs. “You think the sun shines of Shiro’s ass.”

“I believe him,” Keith repeats, “because, unlike y’all, I actually knew Shiro at the Garrison. Personally. Well enough to know that he suffers from a stress induced parasomnia.”

“Parasomnia?” Allura asks softly.

“Abnormal sleep behaviors,” Pidge explains. “Things like sleepwalking or talking. Night terrors, sleep paralysis, yada yada. Generally people doing things in their sleep that they shouldn’t be. And that they don’t always remember in the morning.”

Quiet realization seems to dawn on everyone in the room. 

“Oh, Shiro,” Allura gasps. 

Lance cannot believe what he’s hearing. “Sleepwalking,” he spits in disbelief.

“Lance…”

“I get pregnant and suddenly I’m a whore who doesn’t think of anyone but himself. But, Shiro… He…” The word sticks in his throat. “Shiro... more than once, he.... But he was sleepwalking. It’s not his fault. All is forgiven just that easily. Pin Lance with a scarlet letter, but pity Shiro for what he’s been through.”

“Lance,” Hunk reaches for him, but Lance pulls away.

“He raped me!” Lance yells. It’s the first time he’s used the word. First time he’s admitted what had been done to him. “He made me want to die. I already hated my body so much and then he  _ violated _ it. And then… it was so awful and you all treated me so awful and it wasn’t even my fault. Or maybe it was my fault, because I didn’t push him away at first, because I wanted him to want me? Because I didn’t demand he talk about it in the morning and I didn’t say anything to anyone and just let it happen.”

“It’s not…”

“Why is he so easy to forgive when I’m the victim here? Because he’s our fearless leader and I’m just the castle fuck-up?”

“Lance…”

“I hate you,” Lance says. “I hate all of you.”

-

Lance doesn’t leave his room. 

Everyone takes turns knocking on his door, but he doesn’t let anyone in.

Hunk leaves food in the hall for him. 

Lance eats sparingly.

The morning sickness kicks into high gear.

He’s loses weight almost as fast as his stomach grows.

He sleeps all the time and doesn’t know if its because of the pregnancy or the depression or the boredom.

Some days are better than others.

Some days he only thinks about dying once or twice instead every single second.

-

_ Sleepwalking. _

What was this, a bad crime drama?

-

“I didn’t mean to make it sound like Shiro having a sleep disorder invalidates your experience or makes up for what was done to you. I just didn’t want everyone to think Shiro was a monster for things he can’t control. I didn’t think about how that would look to you.”

-

“There’s no forgiving the way we treated you. The way I treated. You were going through a crisis and I treated it like a joke. We should have been better friends to you.  _ I  _ should have been a better friend.”

-

“Coran and Pidge did a sleep study on Shiro. They managed to map the brain waves present during his abnormal sleep behavior. I’ve set the castle to monitor for those waves and put whatever room he’s in on automatic lockdown whenever they are present. He should not be able to hurt you anymore.

“I’m sorry for what I said to you. You did not deserve such harsh words no matter the situation.”

-

“Lance, buddy, we’re worried about you. I see you’ve been eating more. That’s good. But you must be pretty lonely in there. You know we’re all out here for you, right?”

-

“I’m impulsive and ill-tempered and no one ever really wanted me around. I didn’t have a family or friends. I was just me, all alone. If it looks like I always take Shiro’s side, it’s because Shiro was the first person to take a chance on me. Even though everyone was telling him it was a bad idea, Shiro chose me. He means a lot to me. He’s my family.

“It’s just instinct for me to put him first, because without him I’ll just be me alone again. But that’s not true. Without Shiro, I still have you. And Hunk. And Pidge. Allura. Coran. The mice. And a somewhat sentient robot lion. We’re kind of a family out here. Shiro’s not the only one taking a chance on me anymore. He isn’t the only person I’ve got. I forget that sometimes. He’s still my brother, but you’re kind of my best friend y’know.”

-

“Lance, it’s Coran. You’re well overdue for a health scan to check the status of… of the fetus. I know this pregnancy is not something you desired, and if I could offer an alternative, I would in a heartbeat. I am sorry about all of this, but neglecting your health care puts your life at risks as well as the child’s. None of us want to lose you, Lance. Please.”

-

“So, I’m a bit of an asshole, I realized. When you told us all you’re trans, I just assumed I knew what that meant. I spent all that time acting like a boy at the Garrison, it’s kind of the same thing, right? Yeah, I know it’s not. I never really cared either way about what gender I was perceived as. Just as easy to be Katie as it is to be Pidge as long as I got some tech to tinker with. I devalued your experience by looking at it through the lens of my experience. That was shitty of me. I have no idea what it means to be trans. Even though I always used your correct pronouns and name, in my head, I’d erased part of your identity. So, like add that to the list of things I’m sorry for.”

-

“Lance, I know I’m probably the last person you want outside your door. The others don’t want me anywhere near you and I understand. I just… I really… I wanted to apologize. I wanted to… 

“This is not an explanation, but I feel that I should at least tell you this much. I like you, Lance. I have always found you attractive and funny and desirable. It sounds childish to say, but I had a bit of a crush on you. Nothing excuses what I did to you. Asleep or awake, conscious, unconscious, subconscious, there is no part of me that should have desired to touch you without your permission. 

“I am so terribly sorry and so unworthy of forgiveness. You have to carry what I did with you for the rest of your life, and I get the solace on not even remembering it. Even if by some miracle you managed to forgive me, I could never forgive myself. I don’t deserve to be forgiven, but I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t at least apologize.”

-

“Lance, we’re so worried. Please come out.”

-

Lance had been through a lot of shit in his life. Long before he flew into space in a sentient robot lion, he’d been knocked down more times than he could count. He’d reached points he swore were his lowest, and yet found ways to burrow even lower. But no matter how low he got, he’d always managed to pull himself, crawling and clawing, back to his feet.

He always got back up.

Nothing kept Lance McClain down.

This would not keep him down.

He is stronger than this.

-

_ The Start. _

**Author's Note:**

> These [two](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gVjpOabjBws) [videos](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PYHbNB_hJO4) were used as references for the affects of stopping testosterone use.
> 
> Shiro isn't just sleepwalking, he suffers from sex somnia which is a parasomnia I'm sure you can guess what it means. He does sleep walk as well though as they are comorbid disorders. Also, sex somnia suffers eyes are usually "open but unfocused" so that's why Lance says he feels like Shiro isn't seeing him despite looking right at him during his night time visits.
> 
> Title and original summary comes from the song Paradise by Khalid.
> 
> Please tell me if there's anything I should have tagged but didn't. 
> 
> Please comment.


End file.
